Stop and Stare

It's really not very hard to just stop everything I'm doing or planning on doing and just spend my time staring at my beautiful boy. Some days it still feel's so surreal, that I have this little life to look after now, other days, it's like it always has been.
I don't want to put him in his bed to sleep at night.. I want to lay with him, smelling that sweet baby smell, kissing his soft pudgy cheeks. I don't want to leave him alone while he naps, but I have to use that time to catch up on the washing and tidying the house, etc.

I caught myself thinking time is going too quickly. He is growing up too fast.. Silly I know, it's only been 5 weeks.. But really, he has already changed so much. These thoughts crossed me while I was folding the clean washing - faintly hearing his little baby snores in the background - I folded one of the outfits my parents bought him while they were here, one of the only ones that fitted him when the newborn stuff was too big. I look at it now, wondering how tiny a thing he was, and never will be again.

I am loving every stage. But every stage ends so quick. I don't know how to savour every look, every expression, every sound. A camera does not capture everything I need to remember.

Life is... Maxwell.

It's amazing how quickly my life changed and how quickly this new life seems like it is always what it should be.

I am not a priority. My husband comes second.. My baby is everything. Every thought, every ounce of energy, every waking moment. It's not about just me and MFJ anymore, life is bigger than us now, and always will be. Two became three.

It feels weird if I am without Max.. But, I crave some time without him after a long day, really though, when I get that time alone; time to pick up around the house, check the internet, or run a quick errand, I feel like I left part of me behind. I want to hand my baby to his Daddy when he get's in from work, but I have a hard time leaving them, hovering around, waiting for him to need to pass him back to his Mummy... ready to swoop in and pick him up from his chair if he is put down for a second.

I already feel like my son knows his Mummy. Quietly believing that every time he stares into my eyes he is really looking at me, knowing my voice and my smell. I am loving every moment, every expression, every noise. I would never have believed so much time could be taken up just staring at my miracle. I am in love. 

A day to remember!

June 22nd 2011... How this day changed my life!

Waking up early ready for our 08:30 appointment at generations to check on baby.. the most important decision that morning was who was going to get first shower, and who could sneak a couple more minutes of shut eye before scrambling to get ready to go...
MFJ and I both drive seperately to the appointment, me so I can go home and get a late morning nap in, and MFJ so he can go straight to work for two big appointments.


We get to Generations, I pee in a cup - I never thought peeing in a cup would seem the norm - I jump on the scales, cringe at the figure, and waddle down the hall to our room where the nurse checks my blood pressure, and listens to the heart beat 162 bpm today, seems a lot higher than normal.. but we're assured it's a good healthy heartbeat. The nurse leaves and we chat, joke back and forth about how close we are to the due date (1 week to go) and how much my cervix would be today, it was 2cm dilated the week before.
Dr. Jamie Loehrke comes in, and without much further ado, after asking about my headaches, me telling her they've been pretty bad, she tells me that i'll be having a baby by the end of the day.. As she's talking, I feel myself welling up.. way more emotional than I thought i'd be, maybe because I did not expect this news.. I thought everything would happen on it's own I guess...


I tell MFJ to check out, and I go outside and call Mum, trying to sound happy, then I start bawling... Emotions are spilling out everywhere and everything seems so alien... Everything suddenly felt so unfamiliar and foreign, I suddenly wanted to be home, with my family, near my friends.. I drive home calling a dear friend to tell what's happening.. she tells me everything I know already, just needed to hear from someone else.. 


I get home, MFJ is trying to act as calm as possible, but you can just tell how much of a mix of excited and anxious he is and wanting to be the best he can be for me.. in an effort to grab everything we need, we load the car with 3 more bags then just my hospital bag... it looks like we are going on a mini holiday or something!


MFJ can see how I'm feeling and I wish he knew how amazing he was.. he just tried to be there for me in the way I needed it, instead of the way he thought I needed.. It was so surreal driving to the hospital... the last drive just me and MFJ. [Bonus points to my husband for trying to get me a 'custard' before going to the hospital, just a shame it was closed..! (with hindsight, I wish we had stopped and got some real food though, as I wasn't allowed to eat anything till after delivery!)]


At the hospital;


Admitted at 09:55 and was in triage at 10:00, ready to pee in a cup again and have my blood pressure taken and take my blood.. Within a short while of being monitored, baby's heart beat drops to 100 bpm, usually a good range is 120-160.. I begin to quietly panic, but know i'm in the right place, and begin to accept that i'll be staying in.. Doc comes and checks me, no change in cervix, it's decided i'm definitely staying in and get moved to my own room. While there I am hooked up to an IV and given a pitocin drip. Did not realise that I would be bed ridden, I got quite upset about that, as even though I was being induced, I still had it in my mind that I would be able to somewhat follow through with pain relief practices and what not during labour.. It became real when I wanted to go to the toilet, and was given a bed pan.. I couldn't go so had a catheter put in - that wasn't very fun, but filled a whole bag straight away!! 
After a while of just laying there, contractions come and go.. getting harder each time, I start considering the epidural, seen as I can't practice any other means of pain relief. I talk to Mum and Dad on skype, trying to hide the discomfort of the contractions, cannot wait to see them, they changed their flight to arrive the next day (23/6/11). By 16:45 I decide to get the epidural. Once the epidural is administered, I get really itchy and shaky, wobbly chin! 
After a short time, the nurses act panicked, and the heart beat is not detected... It then drops to 60 bpm, the room suddenly becomes very crowded and all attention is on the monitors. I am extremely worried and scared. The doctors keep telling me to move, try different positions to try and get heartbeat to rise... An internal monitor is fitted and after about 20 minutes the heartbeat stabilises and things are more calm. I can't help but cry and just worry so much about my baby. MFJ is there for me and seems to put himself and his feelings aside and just focus on us. I didn't realise at the time how selfless he was that day...


To be completed...!