Stop and Stare

It's really not very hard to just stop everything I'm doing or planning on doing and just spend my time staring at my beautiful boy. Some days it still feel's so surreal, that I have this little life to look after now, other days, it's like it always has been.
I don't want to put him in his bed to sleep at night.. I want to lay with him, smelling that sweet baby smell, kissing his soft pudgy cheeks. I don't want to leave him alone while he naps, but I have to use that time to catch up on the washing and tidying the house, etc.

I caught myself thinking time is going too quickly. He is growing up too fast.. Silly I know, it's only been 5 weeks.. But really, he has already changed so much. These thoughts crossed me while I was folding the clean washing - faintly hearing his little baby snores in the background - I folded one of the outfits my parents bought him while they were here, one of the only ones that fitted him when the newborn stuff was too big. I look at it now, wondering how tiny a thing he was, and never will be again.

I am loving every stage. But every stage ends so quick. I don't know how to savour every look, every expression, every sound. A camera does not capture everything I need to remember.

Life is... Maxwell.

It's amazing how quickly my life changed and how quickly this new life seems like it is always what it should be.

I am not a priority. My husband comes second.. My baby is everything. Every thought, every ounce of energy, every waking moment. It's not about just me and MFJ anymore, life is bigger than us now, and always will be. Two became three.

It feels weird if I am without Max.. But, I crave some time without him after a long day, really though, when I get that time alone; time to pick up around the house, check the internet, or run a quick errand, I feel like I left part of me behind. I want to hand my baby to his Daddy when he get's in from work, but I have a hard time leaving them, hovering around, waiting for him to need to pass him back to his Mummy... ready to swoop in and pick him up from his chair if he is put down for a second.

I already feel like my son knows his Mummy. Quietly believing that every time he stares into my eyes he is really looking at me, knowing my voice and my smell. I am loving every moment, every expression, every noise. I would never have believed so much time could be taken up just staring at my miracle. I am in love. 

A day to remember!

June 22nd 2011... How this day changed my life!

Waking up early ready for our 08:30 appointment at generations to check on baby.. the most important decision that morning was who was going to get first shower, and who could sneak a couple more minutes of shut eye before scrambling to get ready to go...
MFJ and I both drive seperately to the appointment, me so I can go home and get a late morning nap in, and MFJ so he can go straight to work for two big appointments.


We get to Generations, I pee in a cup - I never thought peeing in a cup would seem the norm - I jump on the scales, cringe at the figure, and waddle down the hall to our room where the nurse checks my blood pressure, and listens to the heart beat 162 bpm today, seems a lot higher than normal.. but we're assured it's a good healthy heartbeat. The nurse leaves and we chat, joke back and forth about how close we are to the due date (1 week to go) and how much my cervix would be today, it was 2cm dilated the week before.
Dr. Jamie Loehrke comes in, and without much further ado, after asking about my headaches, me telling her they've been pretty bad, she tells me that i'll be having a baby by the end of the day.. As she's talking, I feel myself welling up.. way more emotional than I thought i'd be, maybe because I did not expect this news.. I thought everything would happen on it's own I guess...


I tell MFJ to check out, and I go outside and call Mum, trying to sound happy, then I start bawling... Emotions are spilling out everywhere and everything seems so alien... Everything suddenly felt so unfamiliar and foreign, I suddenly wanted to be home, with my family, near my friends.. I drive home calling a dear friend to tell what's happening.. she tells me everything I know already, just needed to hear from someone else.. 


I get home, MFJ is trying to act as calm as possible, but you can just tell how much of a mix of excited and anxious he is and wanting to be the best he can be for me.. in an effort to grab everything we need, we load the car with 3 more bags then just my hospital bag... it looks like we are going on a mini holiday or something!


MFJ can see how I'm feeling and I wish he knew how amazing he was.. he just tried to be there for me in the way I needed it, instead of the way he thought I needed.. It was so surreal driving to the hospital... the last drive just me and MFJ. [Bonus points to my husband for trying to get me a 'custard' before going to the hospital, just a shame it was closed..! (with hindsight, I wish we had stopped and got some real food though, as I wasn't allowed to eat anything till after delivery!)]


At the hospital;


Admitted at 09:55 and was in triage at 10:00, ready to pee in a cup again and have my blood pressure taken and take my blood.. Within a short while of being monitored, baby's heart beat drops to 100 bpm, usually a good range is 120-160.. I begin to quietly panic, but know i'm in the right place, and begin to accept that i'll be staying in.. Doc comes and checks me, no change in cervix, it's decided i'm definitely staying in and get moved to my own room. While there I am hooked up to an IV and given a pitocin drip. Did not realise that I would be bed ridden, I got quite upset about that, as even though I was being induced, I still had it in my mind that I would be able to somewhat follow through with pain relief practices and what not during labour.. It became real when I wanted to go to the toilet, and was given a bed pan.. I couldn't go so had a catheter put in - that wasn't very fun, but filled a whole bag straight away!! 
After a while of just laying there, contractions come and go.. getting harder each time, I start considering the epidural, seen as I can't practice any other means of pain relief. I talk to Mum and Dad on skype, trying to hide the discomfort of the contractions, cannot wait to see them, they changed their flight to arrive the next day (23/6/11). By 16:45 I decide to get the epidural. Once the epidural is administered, I get really itchy and shaky, wobbly chin! 
After a short time, the nurses act panicked, and the heart beat is not detected... It then drops to 60 bpm, the room suddenly becomes very crowded and all attention is on the monitors. I am extremely worried and scared. The doctors keep telling me to move, try different positions to try and get heartbeat to rise... An internal monitor is fitted and after about 20 minutes the heartbeat stabilises and things are more calm. I can't help but cry and just worry so much about my baby. MFJ is there for me and seems to put himself and his feelings aside and just focus on us. I didn't realise at the time how selfless he was that day...


To be completed...!

So close now..

Starting about 8 months ago, we started going to the OBGYN, for appointments to check on our baby's health. Appointments that I would find myself getting anxious and excited at each time. Excited at the prospect of hearing the baby's heartbeat or seeing the squirming little bean flash across a screen for a few seconds.. holding back tears, smiling uncontrollably. Not fully understanding the process, not being able to grasp this miracle that we had created. Anxious to know the heartbeat was healthy and everything was going along as it should.. Because really, this whole growing a baby malarkey is pretty much out of your hands.. you can eat healthily, cut out the alcohol, exercise, make sure your not putting anything in your body that could harm your baby, but really, you have very little say. I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have managed to grow this baby, that I have carried this baby for 9 months, that my body is capable to cater to the needs of this new life.. I have loved every minute, I have loathed some minutes, but I would never change anything. I would put up with the back pain, the kicks in the ribs, the gas. I have been amazed by the shear revelation that your body is a vessel and you will give in to what it needs.
Our 38 week appointment was this morning.. Every appointment MFJ has come with me, and I wouldn't have it any other way, just seeing his face light up in a way nothing else can make it light when he hears the heart beat. I love these times. The appointments are nearing the end, and baby will be here soon, and I cannot wait for the baby to replace the noise of the heartbeat to spread a smile so full of love over his face.


The appointment this morning we were both a little more excited about, as the Doc was checking my cervix.. MFJ was adamant that I would be a little dilated, and a little effaced, I thought he was going to jump out of his chair when the doctor stated quite matter-of-factly that I was '2cm dilated and 70% effaced', I'm pretty sure I saw him punch the air as well! 


Sitting here drinking raspberry leaf tea, apparently it's supposed to help induce labour! But, who knows! If baby wants to stay in there and get healthier, and fatter, I'm good with that, but, if baby wants to come out and meet us, I am so ready for that too...


We are so excited for this next chapter in our lives. 

Pink Barn Promenade

It's the time of year that comes round so quickly, but at the same time, seems so long coming.. Spring time. And, it is this coming weekend that Karen and Dede host another 'Pink Barn Promenade' at Karen's house in Milford. It's a day full of laughter, drinks, and delicious cakes, surrounded by fantastic refurbished, found and often re-purposed trinkets and treasures.

Last year I had a stall, and sold some of my vintage items, but also some handmade tags, and cards etc. I did pretty well. This year, I was really hoping to have a stall again, but being 9 months pregnant, I'm not sure the logistics of that will really work... So I'm planning on taking a few boxes of my smaller vintage wares like the Mason jars and nick nacks.. we'll see. It's just fun being there and seeing what Dede and Karen have been doing all winter, they are both so talented and so fun to be around. I'll post pictures from the show on Saturday later.

Unpacking my trinkets!

Setting up stalll

Dede drinking a well deserved
Margerita!

Love this smile! Thanks for all the
help Michael!!

I heart Poppy's

Eames copycat

I'm loving this Eames copycat style rocker... and for the bargain price of $122.40 from Sears. You can buy it HERE! But looking through the options, I am kinda liking the static option too,  the white no rocker version, thinking it would be great as a dining room chair around an old wooden table.. I could always sore the legs down on the high tables we have!!

Buy it HERE

Getting it done!

About 5 weeks to go till due date, and things are finally coming together... It doesn't matter that the house resembles a massive jumble sale, the crib is painted and put together (although when put together we realised we were missing a piece, so have to get that and paint it!) and in situ in the room. It looks awesome against the blue walls. The dresser is nearly done, cheeky english bird wallpaper looks fab on the sides, just need to finish the drawers and find a new hinge that fits the one door..

Off to ikea today to get a couple of the wall lights MFJ likes, and hopefully decide on the curtain situation! We shall see!

Belly!

Week 34, day 6!

Rain rain go away..

Although it is raining outside, and me being British 'n all should be so very accustomed to this weather, and love it, I have had about my fill by now.. And, we have had way more than England has had for quite some time.
As much as it is comforting to me at days, and all in all I quite like the wet weather, it really is affecting my schedule to get things done for the baby...
The crib is in limbo, having been half primed (we ran out of primer) and that needs to be completed, and then there is the dresser that needs to be fixed up to, which also is a job for outside...
I have reluctantly accepted that I am going to have to go easy on other jobs around the house and garden, especially the garden, but the crib and dresser are really quite manageable!
The dresser is going to be quite simple... I need to attach a fake-out surface on the top, wide enough to hold the changing pad, this will be painted white, I need to soften the edges and buy some 'no nails' for that. Then, for the handles of the drawers, I was thinking I would paint them the same yellow as the crib will be. The side recesses of the dresser will have the bird wallpaper that I ordered, and arrived about a week ago. So all in all, it should be pretty easy, just a good cleaning, and re-painting, and a new hinge on the one door. The only thing that is holding me back, is the weather! Ugh!

Wonderful weekend

The sun was shining and it was a weekend we could finally be excited about! Headed down to Eastern Market, we ran into MFJ's sister and the neices. Pictured above taking turns riding on our cart! After buying lots of fresh, locally grown fruit and veg, we loaded the car and headed back to Ferndale to check out the Rust Belt Market that just opened in the property on the corner of 9 and woodward, that had been empty for a couple years. Exciting things happening in Ferndale! Our friend Tim has a stall in there called 'Arden Park' that sells all your designer garden/container needs.. wish I'd taken some pictures, it was such a cute set up!

Commonwealth

Every other week or so, I meet up with my 'anthro' friends (past and present employee's) and have lunch or dinner, today, we went to the 'Commonwealth'. A new cafe slash coffee house that serves organic and in-house made pastries, food and deliciousness. Check it out HERE.

Welcome Cole Joseph Binder

Flea market refurb!

I bought this piece at Flat Rock flea market on sunday for a bargain price of $12.50! Brought it home stinky and in bad shape, and also a little damp from the rainfall it endured that day!

I was determined that it wasn't going to be a wasted purchase, and sit in the basement like so many other flea market finds! So when MFJ left for work on Monday, up I got, and began the refurb. Taking all the doors off and sanding them down, the top 2 I painted a couple coats of the sea foam green, then sanded to give a worn effect. The 2 smaller drawers on the right don't actually open, so just painted them.

The bottom 2 doors, one I painted chalk board paint and the other I covered in a vintage sack I'd found at the same flea market last year! The 2 bottom doors need to be finished, but MFJ was heading home soon and I wanted it to look as near complete as possible! So, this morning, I added our bottles of spirits and glasses in the top, and cook books in the bottom, making room in our other bookcase for baby books and toys! Yay! 

31 weeks, day 3

Rolo

Rolo's new spot perched at the top of the stairs overlooking everything!

branches

Thinking about trees, and branches.. I have an idea that i'd like to paint a tree onto the mirrored door of the wardrobe that is staying in the baby's room, but then I also like the idea of branches on walls, maybe to break up the turquoise a little, but, it is just an idea. Some of these images caught my eye.

Almond Branches in Bloom by Van Gogh.

Royal birds

I just love this wallpaper. Mum sent me an image of it being used in a magazine, and I tracked it down to a German supplier. It's in my basket ready to checkout, just need to make sure Mum hasn't bought it first as I asked her to get it if she could find it! I think it will look great on the sides of the dressser that we are going to re-do, and maybe on a wardrobe door. Who knows. I think it's pretty cute, but not too over the top. I still like the Quentin Blake, but this is good too!

Easter nieces!